Give Me The Rock

I had instantiated a fictitous competition in my mind between Rachel and Juan, the goal of the game being to send me a fantasy team preview first. Rachel was the winner by a somewhat surprising margin of 10 minutes. I’m a little worried that they are too close to being on the same wavelength. If they get to LA and meet like long lost pals, I have a feeling he’s going to call her Betty; and if he calls her Betty, she’s going to call him Al.

That said, here is your fantasy preview for the Memphis Graceland Grizzlies:

hey,

look, i’m gonna just like get straight down to it, k? cause there’s nothing to do here and i have to bjelieve that dallas can’t be any worse, right? isn’t it supposed to be a great place for like some indie music? maybe that’s austin. anyway…

here’s the rankings from that spreadsheet your printed out for me:

(28) Pau Gasol
(69) Mike Miller
(73) Eddie Jones
(111) Damon Stoudamire
(149) Bobby Jackson
(187) Chucky Atkins
(217) Stromile Swift
(227) Lorenzen Wright
(250) Jake Tsakalidis
(314) Brian Cardinal
(341) Dahntay Jones
(364) Hakim Warrick
(413) Anthony Roberson
(417) Antonio Burks
(422) Lawrence Roberts
(N/A) Rudy Gay
(N/A) Kyle Lowery

see how i even switched out shane battier for stromile swift and rudy gay? that was pretty key.

okay, so, like, the way i see it is that this is probably the ugliest team in the league. and I mean, I’m not just talking about fantasy basketball. i think Kyle Lowery is kind of maybe cute, and Pau has that hot gruff lumberjack thing going on, but the rest of these guys are hideous.

okay, i mean, when Mike Miller is your number 2 best fantasy player, how do you make the playoffs, let alone get the Gth spot? This team really came together in a way that is totally not reflected in fantasy basketball. that’s fine and everything, but it makes it much harder to ass ess what’s going to happen.

the thing is, I don’t think any of these guys except maybe Pau can ball it much better than they did last time. Sure, Shane Battier is gone now, but see, they got back Strom and Rudy Gay, so that’s so easily going to eat out Shane’s minutes. i’m hoping Strom will finally get some and show that he was worth being the number 2 pick. he’s been more effective than Lo Wright and at least like as good as Jake Twhatever. probably they’ll just stick him in after Pau Gasol at the Power and anyone who picks him will get screwed again. Oh, wait, was that you last time? Haha! Sucker.

Anyway, really, let’s just get it on with it, k?

DRAFT with 10 Teams
Pau Gasol - Is he eligible? at Center, I mean, duh. if he is, he’s worth a second round pick. Definitely good to go for the 3rd. Yeah, 3rd time. 39 minutes a game. he’s got the stamina to work it.
Mike Miller - I don’t think he’s going to be looking quite as good this season. Hakim Warrick will probably end up playing some Small along with Rudy Gay. Like how I threw a link in there for you? I’ve been paying attention so watch your back. So yeah, Mike Miller. I mean, he’s a decent %s guy but since his minutes are going down, I’ll drop him to the 8th round.
Eddie Jones - Man, Eddie Jones is going to be 35 before this season starts. WTF? Is he going to need some Viagra to keep up with all the groupies? He’s still the only Shooting Guard that the Grizz have, so I guess he’s good to go, right? (Dahntay Jones doesn’t count unless he actually plays some minutes, and I don’t think you want to count on that just yet) Kyle Lowery sure isn’t going to be a SG. EJ started 75 games last season, and that’s almost as important as anyone else he’s ever done. If he can play GF like last season, he’s worth a 7th rounder.

really though, I’m not sure I’d take anyone else on this team. No way Stoudamire and Jackson are gonna to be able to turn me on any more than last season. Even if Stoudamire comes back and has his balls outta control moment, or whatever you call it, sometime in the season, it just makes him a better free agent pick up than an actual draft dick. If he does start playing like that, though, watch out, cause he won’t be as easy a pick up as me.

Okay, good, that was easier than I thought it would be. Time to go get some booze. it’s only an 8 hour trip over to D-town, so I figure i can start even at high noon tomorrow and i’ll still be there before the sun goes down. Yee-ha. Time to ride some cowboys.

Nutzo,
Rachel

–

Okay, so I knew Sven would be funny, because, I mean, the dude doesn’t speak English. So, I told Rachel to try to sex it up a bit to make it more interesting. I’m not sure I got my point across correctly there. Thusly, I told her maybe next time to just send a picture from Dallas of her in a cowboy hat with her bottle of Whiskey or what have you, and I’d do the analysis for her. She’ll probably take that as some chauvinistic move to keep her out of this manly game of fantasy basketball, and be stubborn and obstinate about it and write the preview herself anyway. In the mean time, though, PMad’s got another one coming for you on Monday (I’m assuming, since he’s the one who can actually meet deadlines).