Give Me The Rock
this is fantasy basketball
I felt a little violated after reading this fantasy preview from Juan, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that he will probably own me this season. Maybe he’ll be distracted enough by his fantasy football team to botch the NBA fantasy draft. Or maybe he’ll be too busy trying to figure out why Rachel isn’t as susceptible to his Latin charm when not on a wild-style summer vaykay.
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Nels,
This is, como, more than a little late in getting to you. I would apologize for my tardiness, pero sé que no es the fist time you (or I, for that matter) have missed a deadline.
I am, however, glad that I waited because I was able to more accurately assess the calidad of the writing that Sven and Rachel were, as they say, “mailing it in” for your site. With the exception of Rachel’s overt sexual innuendo, tengo que decie que no es “top notch.” Honestly, the only think I got out of it was that Rachel es a total hornball looking for some good cogiendo. I will be sure to get some Spanish Fly in her when we meet up for cocktails in LA. How’s that for innuendo, chingón?
De cual manera, I apologize for the mistaken report on New Orleans. At the time I was in the midst of preparandome para my NFL fantasy draft. You can clearly tell what was more importante a mi. Being as I could really give a shit about the Texans – except maybe the cheerleaders – it was much easier to focus on the Rockets.
Of course, that doesn’t mean it was easy to analyze this fucking team. Los Rockets are as much of a mess as Sven’s fucking wannabe gangsta references. The fantasy value of every player on the team is as volatile as your stomach on some fucking Mexican milk. The volatility, though, is tied to two very specific variables, but those are as hard to pin down as an electron’s position and speed. Or the number of guys Rachel ha cogido.
Los variables son: the number of games Tracy McGrady will play, and the number of games Yao Ming will play.
Rafer Alston will probably be the only consistent player since he is the only PG on the team, and given standard injury time will contribute for 60+ games. Juwan Howard will probably get consistent minutes, pero he’ll be a lot more valuable to your fantasy team if Yao is not playing.
If McGrady plays most of the season, I believe that Shane Battier will play a good amount of minutes at the SG position. But if T-Mac is not playing, then Battier will get his minutes at the SF position, and Luther Head can continue his rise at the SG position. I should probably get a Luther Head jersey for Rachel.
Now, si I’d been running the Rockets franchise durante el Draft, I would have said who are you to think taking Rudy Gay and trading him for Shane Battier is a good idea? First of all, having Rudy Gay and Luther Head on the same team would be sure to make the gringos twitter with excitement, no? Second of all, I probably would have kept Rudy Gay instead of trading for Shane Battier. Third of all, I probably would not have drafted Rudy Gay in the first place. I would have taken someone who could play the natural SG position. But I was not in charge of anything regarding the Rockets, and I probably never will be.
So, vamos a ver:
(14) Yao Ming
(33) Tracy Mcgrady
(68) Rafer Alston
(130) Luther Head
(141) David Wesley
(148) Juwan Howard
(192) Keith Bogans
(238) Chuck Hayes
(254) Dikembe Mutombo
(276) Jon Barry
(322) Gerald Fitch
(367) Richie Frahm
(385) Rick Brunson
(390) John Lucas
(414) Ryan Bowen
(451) Maciej Lampe
Added:
(76) Shane Battier
As you can see, it’s like the opposite of that strip club “50 Hot Girls and 1 Ugly One.” It’s also very similar to “1 Good Player, and 16 Mediocre Ones.” So, where should you (or your loyal readers) draft these players?
In a 10 TEAM DRAFT:
Yao Ming – Late 2nd round. He’s a Center. He shoots 85% on Free Throws and 52% on Field Goals. As long as he plays the majority of games, he’s a good pick.
Tracy McGrady – 4th round. I have the feeling someone will get a little antsy and draft him in the 3rd. If he’s still around in the 4th, he’s worth the risk.
Rafer Alson – Probably about the same as last season, putting him in the 6th-7th round.
Shane Battier – Should be able to get some good minutes at both the SG and SF positions. He did play 35.1 minutes last year, though, so, it’s hard to think he’ll get any better than that. He does have a lot of upside if you, como se dice, “handcuff” (where’s Rachel when you need her?) him with Tracy McGrady. That will provide your lineup with some consistency.
Luther Head – Hard to say. If McGrady misses a lot of time, he’s easily a 10th round pick, but if McGrady stays healthy, pues, no better than the 13th round.
Everyone else on the team is not worth drafting. David Wesley and Juwan Howard would be good to have on your Free Agent watch list, though, in case something changes here in Houston.
Lady Luck will play a big role on the Rockets bench, and if she’s on my side, I’ll get her liquored up and slip her some tongue. Lady Luck that is, por supuesto. Please, don’t think my pronouns meant anything more than that. Chingón.
Adios,
Juan
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