Do your children want a Playstation 3 for Christmas, but you’re a little short on cash? Are your children also retarded? If the answer is yes and yes, then check out this Classic Basketball Game from Mattel. 3D is overrated! Follow the blinking LEDs around the screen as they approximate the game of basketball. I think. Guaranteed to suck now just as much as it did in 1978.

And speaking of classics comes the old new official NBA microfiler game ball, occasionally referred to as the orange roundie. $99 might seem expensive for a ball that’s no longer used by the NBA, will slice up your hands, and has been called cheap-ass by everyone from Shaq to this dude on Amazon, but buy one before ESPN commentators scoop them all up.

Just when you thought Kobe Bryant couldn’t get any scarier comes the Kobe Bryant Jox Box. Do you see what they did there with the words “jack in the box”? Very clever. Now you too can experience the cold, emotionless glare of Kobe without having to be a 20 year old blond.

The perfect gift for the basketball fan in your life who also loves the Smurfs. I think the problem will be trying to decide who NOT to buy this for. Grandma’s getting the set.

Yes! Give Me The Rock has its very own t-shirt, modeled after the Chicago Bulls KBLAB tandem (that is Kirk, Ben, Luol, Andres, and Ben, for all you Bulls haters out there). Why should you buy this t-shirt? Becuase, 1) t-shirts are the essence of America, and you love America, don’t you, 2) this t-shirt comes in one color, white, the color of America, 3) the Chicago Bulls are America’s team (what, did you think it was Dallas, or even worse, the Knicks? Yeah, right), and 4) this shirt is 100% made in America – the place where quality things, like Boeing jets, puppy dogs, and heterosexual marriage, were crafted straight from the hands of Ben Franklin and Jesus.