That Sound You Heard

Categorized as: Author: Patrick, Boston Celtics, NBA Basketball
Posted on: May 24th, 2007

…was Bill Simmons jumping the shark with his latest column about the misfortunes of the Boston Celtics, Welcome to the next decade of discontent. Look, I am Celtics fan and I’m done with the “woe is us” shit coming from fans after the Celtics didn’t get one of the top 2 picks in the draft. First, the Celtics didn’t even deserve a top pick in this draft. Either they legitimately tanked over the last half of the season or Doc Rivers was shooting heroin before, during, and after games. The Celtics were probably a playoff team if everyone had stayed healthy, or if you know, they actually tried to win games.

Second, I know Oden and Durant are special players, and absolutely hell yes I would have loved to watch them every other night over the next decade, but you don’t win championships by having the top pick in the draft (just ask the Knicks and Patrick Ewing). Duncan alone would have not brought the Celtics any titles. You actually have to have a front office that knows what the hell their doing, that can build a team that complements each other, and Danny Ainge and company have consistently shown that they cannot do that. Hey guys, let’s start by not trading future rookies of the year for gun toting, undersized, under skilled point guards. Why not look at Utah and see that it is possible to build a good playoff team without having the number one pick in the draft. Why not try scouting, drafting, and signing free agents well? Maybe that’s a little tough for you, but you’ve wasted Paul Pierce’s prime on a 10-year rebuilding effort. Fortunately for Greg Oden and Kevin Durant, they don’t have to worry about their talent being wasted by a front office that doesn’t know how to build a basketball team, now or in the future. They’re the lucky ones. I don’t even like Paul Pierce and I feel bad for him.

The Sporting News recently decided it wasn’t a complete waste of time to rewrite Celtics’ history from the point of view as if they had drafted Tim Duncan in 97. It’s total garbage. So, the article goes, they get Duncan. But hey look! They also drafted Tracy McGrady! And somehow they sign Steve Nash too! I don’t know in what galaxy the Celtics were smart enough to pull all that shit off, but I think even the biggest Celtics fan can agree that wasn’t happening with the current front office situation.

Tim Duncan thanks god he’s not a Celtic

So while I wait for the Celtics to learn a thing or everything about building a basketball team, let me cut to the chase and show you the article you’ll be reading in a decade.

What if the Celtics Had Gotten the First Pick in the 2007 Draft?

Who needs Photoshop when you have Microsoft paint?

2007
Despite having only a 20 percent chance to get the first pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the Celtics miraculously win the lottery. Thank Celtics’ company man and good luck charm, Tommy Heinsohn, for bringing extra Tommy points to the lottery selection. It’s no surprise when the Celtics select Greg Oden with the first pick on draft day.

2007-2008
Greg Oden instantly meshes well with his new Celtics teammates and provides the stabilizing force on defense that the Celtics have lacked for years. With a lineup of Oden, Al Jefferson, Wally Szczerbiak, Paul Pierce, and Rajon Rondo, the Celtics finish with a record of 56-26 and beat out Toronto to win the Atlantic Division title and the 2nd seed in the Eastern Division playoffs behind Detroit. Oden wins the rookie of the year award, averaging 18 points, 10 rebounds, and 2.5 blocks a game in 78 games. Gerald Green also wins the 6th man of the year award, averaging 17 points off the bench. The Celtics ultimately lose in the conference semifinals in seven games against the Cleveland Cavilers when Doc Rivers decides the Celtics best chance to beat LeBron James is to “go small” and sits Oden for long stretches during games while he plays Brian Scalabrine and Leon Powe against Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

2008-2009
Fresh off their disappointing loss in last season’s playoffs, the Celtics keep their starting five intact, making only minor changes to their bench. Again, they cruise to an Atlantic Division best 60-22, but tragically, Paul Pierce hurts his back on the last game of the season. The result is surgery that will keep him out through the playoffs. When asked why Pierce was playing in the 4th quarter of a meaningless game, Doc Rivers says “It was a no-brainer. We come out ready to play.” Pierce’s injury, coupled with Wally Szczerbiak’s horrific ankle explosion (those in sitting in section 13 will long to forget that horrible day in March), and Al Jefferson’s nagging foot injury, and the Celtics again lose to the Cavs in the conference semifinals. Oden, however, has a great year, averaging 20 points, 11 rebounds, and 3 blocks a game and makes the first all-star appearance of his career.

2009-2010
Danny Ainge decides that the Celtics need to get younger, especially with Paul Pierce, now 32, and Wally Szczerbiak, 32, coming off significant injuries the previous year. With Gerald Green ready to start for the Celtics, Ainge trades Pierce, Kendrick Perkins, the corpse of Wally Szczerbiak and his expiring contract, and a 2010 first round pick to Portland for Zach Randolph, Brandon Roy, and a ham sandwich. The Celtics also pick up Sebastian Telfair, literally, pick him up off the alley where he’s been sleeping, and immediately hand him the starting point guard job over Rondo, who hasn’t been enough of a “true point guard” for the Celtics the past couple of years. The Celtics get off to a great start at the beginning to the year, only to fade a little when Telfair stabs Randolph in the abdomen during a shoot-around in January. The Celtics finish the year 50-32, which in the new super powerful Eastern conference (thank the very underrated Isiah Thomas for brilliantly building the Knicks into a 21st century powerhouse – I can’t believe no one saw it coming), is only good for the 7th seed. Oden makes his second straight all-star game and finishes 3rd in the MVP voting. But, the Celtics lose in the first round, again to the Cleveland Cavs, when Lebron James – the reigning NBA MVP and newly crowned “richest man in the world” – blows by the double team of Tony Allen and Randolph for the game winning dunk in game 7 with only seconds to go.

2010
Doc Rivers gets a 4-year extension.

2011 on beyond
With Zach Randolph, Brandon Roy, and Al Jefferson signed to big contracts, the Celtics decide to let Gerald Green walk to the Las Vegas Kings. Their lack of financial flexibility also stops them from signing any high profile point guards. Instead, Ainge signs journeyman Dan Dickau, who, Ainge is confident, is posed to become the next Steve Nash. Instead, Dickau, Roy, Jefferson, Oden, and 38 year old Chris Webber (who the Celtics traded Delonte West, his bloated contract, and their 2012 first round draft pick to get in 2010) stumble their way through the first quarter of the year before Oden injures his hand in a freak shaving accident. With Oden forced to get surgery on his hand and out for the year, the Celtics embark on an all-time franchise worst 22-game losing streak. The Celtics finish with the worst record in the league (at 21-61) in what some call a dubious display of effort. Others call in tanking. Danny Ainge resigns after the season for personal issues and after an exhaustive search, the Celtics name Doc Rivers as their new Executive Director of Basketball Operations. Rivers promises the fans that he’ll continue on as the coach of the Celtics despite his new responsibilities. As the lottery approaches, the Celtics nervously wait, their eyes on a once in a generation North Carolina superstar named Marcus Jordan.

Rinse.

Repeat.

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