Give Me The Rock
this is fantasy basketball
Inspired by Basketbawful’s Top 20 Excuses for Sucking at Pickup Basketball
[Ed. note: Brace yourself. This one gets long and ugly.]
20. My browser crashed during the draft. If you don’t at least have Firefox and IE on your computer, then this is your own fault. If both of those went out on your during the draft, I may feel a bit sorry for you. Until…
19. I didn’t finish my pre-rankings. That’s usually paired with #20. Or else it goes with 18. I missed my draft. So, guess what? You only had 3+ months to get the rankings done! No sympathy for you!
Aaaaaaaand… if you knew you didn’t get your rankings done in those 3+ months, how come you decided to:
on the night of your draft?
17. The guy I wanted got taken right before my pick. The Mississippi was made from the tears of people whose guy was taken right before their pick. Cry me a new river. Shed a few more tears for…
16. My sleeper pick got taken right before my pick. Well if he was really that strong of a sleeper, maybe you should have taken him in the 12th round instead of pushing your luck by waiting until the 13th.
15. I was playing on a new system and their positions aren’t the same as Yahoo. Okay, this is actually a serious one. You need to know what positions players are eligible for in your league. There are some drastic differences between Yahoo and NBA.com, and I’m sure there are others between those and ESPN, CBSSportsline, etc. But, this should still not be an excuse. Look at the positions for your league and system and don’t rely on anyone else.
14. One of my guys got injured right after I drafted him (or in the first few games of the season). Yeah, that’s never happened before. I picked Greg Oden right before the surgery announcement and I still plan on not sucking.
13. I forgot to set my lineup for the week. Ok, try daily lineup changes next season. See how that works out for you.
12. My little brother got into my account and traded my best players. Well, if you’re in a public league, I do kind of feel bad for you. If you’re in a friendly league, the commish should be able to veto the trades, or you can get the other owners to trade back. And yes, it has happened before.
11. My little sister got into my account and messed with my lineup. Not an excuse. If your little sister set your lineup, you probably wouldn’t be sucking as much as you are. Girls are better at fantasy sports than you think.
10. My friend told me that some dude was going to be awesome this year. Well, that’s what you get for not doing your own research. I bet your friend has some hot stock tips for you as well.
9. I ran out of games at some position right when my guy at that position played some awesome games. First: your fault for running out of games. Second: Everyone else in your league had the same games limits and managed to kick your ass.
8. I was being hounded by some dude with trade offers so I traded with him to make him stop. First: trading with him only lets him know that his hounding you worked. You are now #1 on his list. Second: I got those same 2-for-1 and 3-for-2 trade offers every other day and had no problem turning them down. If you don’t want to get stupid trade offers, don’t play fantasy sports. Or create 10 Yahoo IDs and play a league by yourself.
7. No one made me any good trade offers. First: no one is stopping you from making trade offers. If no one’s making good offers, why don’t you try some of your own? Second: Chauncey Billups and Caron Butler are pretty even. That’s a good trade offer.
6. I thought this would be the year Grant Hill would make a comeback. You could replace Grant’s name with that of a bunch of different players. My reaction would still be the same. People who don’t suck at fantasy basketball don’t count on players making a comeback. We – I mean, “they” – just don’t draft people who are a risk like that. We – I mean, “they” – usually make mistakes taking risks on young guys who haven’t been perpetually injured. That’s where the risk in your portfolio should be.
5. I drafted Hinrich, Deng, Gordon, Big Ben and Tyrus Thomas. And traded for Nocioni. I thought it would be more fun to have guys I care about on my team. Okay, if you’re doing that, then have fun. Don’t expect to not suck if you’re that big of a Hometown Guy. The only team you can really do that with is Phoenix. And if you somehow get Nash, Marion, and Stoudemire on your team and you’re still sucking, then I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to help you.
4. I decided to tank FT and/or FG percents. Let me guess, you did that after you drafted someone with a really bad FT and/or FG percent. Tanking in one category can succeed. But your other categories have to be absolutely solid. And you have to accept that anyone with a good FT or FG percent is worth less (not necessarily worthless, though) to you. E.g., Steve Nash (on your All-Suns Team above) is still scoring 19 points and getting 11 assists a game. But Kyle Korver is not a top 75 player if you take out his 91% free throw shooting.
3. I was in first place for the first 6 weeks, so I stopped checking. I don’t think the 95-96 Bulls got to 72-10 by not playing anymore after they were 22-2. This is an excuse only used by douchebags who are afraid to try to win for fear of not winning. At least this way, if they don’t win, they can say they weren’t really trying. I wonder how many times Jordan lost a game and said “Well, I wasn’t really trying”…
2. I just read Dropping Dimes, and those guys don’t know anything. Um, those guys are awesome. Don’t blame Dennis, Sarge, Alvin, and Ron for your sucking at fantasy basketball. They can only do so much to save you from yourself.
1. I don’t read Give Me The Rock. Um, hi. Nice to meet you. Now get out of here.
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